Thankfully I was one of the kids that got an award, meaning I was one of the lucky ones who got to rub my award in everyone’s award-less face and make them feel like crap! You see I got an art award for my abilities in painting. Thus that makes me the best and most artistic painter in the school. (Except not really.) Now that is what I would do and think if I was an ignorant egomaniac that suffers from megalomania. You see in reality, I am probably the worst painter in my school. My artistic abilities are on par with a 2nd graders (and that’s if you are being nice) and I couldn’t draw a good still life if my life depended on it. Every single person, including even the potters, in the honors art seminar had better visual art abilities than me. That being said, I like to think I make up for my lack of artistic abilities with my creative ideas. And supposedly that is what the art department thought also. Do I do deserve the award more than others? I don’t know, possibly, I guess. I can name many others that are just or even more qualified to win the award, but as the motto I just made up in the next sentence goes, ‘ if you win an award, take it and hold it in front of everyone so they know you are better than them.’(Don't actually do he last part, but do take it.)
An added bonus to the assembly is besides the whole school being their, parents show up. Now the best part about this awards assembly is that whenever someone wins an award, the people- students and parents - in the crowd make comments about it to their neighbor, like: “Who is that?” “He’s smart?!” “I can name three other students who should of gotten that award over that person.” “Really, she won? Her!”
One my absolute favorite moments in high school happened when I was a sophomore and I was sitting next to a kid, who I’ll call ‘Student A’ for privacy sakes. They were giving out the award for best sophomore History Students and while I was sitting next to Student A he was telling me about how he was a shoe in to win. Anyway when the history teacher got up and started calling out names they said ‘Student A’s’ name. So he got up, but quickly sat back down because they only called his first name, not his last name. You see a kid with the same first name got it instead. Student A was fuming, completely embarrassed, he was swearing like a sailor under his breath.
And while nothing like that happened this year, there were a few shockers- winners many never considered were even candidates. However that happens every year and in every grade. It is really entertaining when it happens. As soon as a ‘shocker’ wins the award, the crowd starts whispering and hissing while lethargically clapping. Or best, some parents and students don’t even clap!
Don’t get me wrong, I am no worse than those people. While I was always applauding the award winners, in my mind my conscience was saying, “I deserve that award over that person.” Or “someone else should have gotten that award.” Sometimes I even hissed to my neighbor also. Nonetheless, that is what makes the award assembly so unintentionally entertaining. With the mixture of private school snobby kids and snobby parents with offspring who they believe are greatest thing in the world and are therefor inclined to receive every award on the planet, you are in for a gigantic ‘snob-fest’ that is so unintentionally entertaining it rivals John McCain’s concession speech.
That being said there are some things I would like done to the awards assembly to make it better. Like how about giving it a title people have heard of before. Seriously, what the heck is an ‘awards assembly’? Never in my life have I heard anything like that. Call it an awards ceremony if you want. Unlike awards assembly, people have heard of an awards ceremony. However, there is one thing we could turn it into that would be absolutely awesome: an awards show.
We could have a witty host that makes jokes throughout the show. Like after I won my award, the host could have said, “Wow, who know a person with the artistic talent of a second grader could win the award for best painter? Did you know, Alex says he considers his pieces to be modern art? Yeah, well, hey I always considered it to be modern fart.” (Howard Stern dressed as Fartman makes a cameo appearance and farts all over my canvases.)
And by being an awards show it would include nominees. You see right now the only name that is said is the award winner. With nominees, a lot more students get recognized for there talents and the award ceremony would create a lot more tension. Plus the thought of a parent pulling a Kanye West is absolutely hysterical. Think of this scene: when John Doe goes up to get the award for best male senior speech and Joe Schmos’ mom quickly interrupts and grabs the mic and says, “Yo Johnny, I’m really happy for and I’m a let you finish, but my boy Joe had one of the best speeches of all time. OF ALL TIME!” That would be funnier than the time when Student A got up thinking he won the award.
So who is with me in changing it into an awards show? That way the most unintentionally entertaining awards assembly would become the most intentionally unentertaining, unintentionally entertaining award show ever!
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For stuff about Minnesota sports please read the blogs I posted in the T-Wolves and Minnesota Golden Gophers blog. I especially like my blog on Tim Brewster.
After last nights finals game I am more convinced then ever the heat will win the series, possibly in even less than six.
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